August 24, 2004 -- NEW arrival in bookstores is, "How to Eat Like a Republican." Subtitle: "Hold the Mayo, Muffy, I'm feeling Miracle Whipped Tonight."

Aside from feasting on John Kerry's bones, it's recipes from those partial to Lincoln and Reagan and macaroni and cheese. Like John McCain's Mean Beans, Gov. Pataki's Empire Apple Muffins, Rush's [Limbaugh] Mom's Fluffy Potato Casserole, Pat Buchanan's Buffalo Right Wings, Bob Dole's Kansas Whole Wheat Honey Bread, which he presumably bakes those spare moments he isn't sampling Viagra or stuffing Elizabeth.