That looks good, I can read it clearly, except fot the t/c combination which could appear as j/c, I cannot think of a solution offhand but I'm sure there is one. Of lesser concern, I would look at kerning it a bit tighter, the vertical of the G/n could extend to close to the x-height/baseline and it might be worth investigating having the swash in the opposite direction, the s seems a bit out of scale (not much though).
Tim

Have you shown this to people who don't know what its supposed to mean? That's pretty much the ultimate test for readability and sucess for these. Timd has some good points.